Day 7

San Ildefonso fell to the loyalists. They say we’ll get it back if we want to win this war. What will become of me when I fight this battle. Mendoza said himself that we weren’t ready for this kind of fight. I’ve gone on the patrol and I’ve done drills but I have learned nothing from them. All I know so far is how bad a soldier I am. I can imagine Juan shooting me on “accident” as soon as I make a mistake. Than again if I make a mistake, I will have the loyalists on me as well as Juan. I can’t even what will happen on the streets of San Ildefonso. How will I be able to do any good for the revolution when I can’t even bring myself to shoot at these loyalist pigs! Of course I shot at them last night, but that’s only because it was dark and I couldn’t even see any of the soldiers. It was easy because I could pull the trigger and fire into darkness. Aside from the screams of the soldiers, it felt easy. This battle was during the day. That means I’ll know exactly what I am doing when I pull the trigger. I’ll know exactly what I am doing if that bullet hits another human.