Day 8

My shoulders still fell sore from earlier, and I can’t walk yet. I couldn’t believe it at first. We had lost the battle. San Ildefonso was still at the hands of the loyalists. I woke up after the battle and we had to retreat to the jungle. Ignacio was there to talk to me. He told me that Mendoza had arranged for them to escape. He told me that the Capitan wants me to go to the US to become a doctor. I’m also going to be sent home to my family, but that’s not the most exciting part. I’m supposed to go back to school! I’m supposed to talk to everyone. I am supposed to tell them that our country can only succeed with health care, education, laws, and proper elections. The guerrillas are supposed to fund me, and I might be a school teacher in my home town instead of a doctor in the US. I can’t even believe it. I understand war so much more than I used. Its so much easier to fight a war when I know the reason I am fighting for. I now know that I am fighting for the good of the people. I am fighting for Mendozas vision of health care and education in this country. I will become a teacher and spread all the knowledge I know to everyone in the country. I will teach all the young people so they can lead better lives, but I will do all of this as a soldier. Ignacio told me something that I will never forget. That I can be a soldier while making people’s life’s better. I can serve my country in two ways. At least I have a cause to fight for, and never again will I be afraid to fire my rifle for what I know is right.

Day 7

San Ildefonso fell to the loyalists. They say we’ll get it back if we want to win this war. What will become of me when I fight this battle. Mendoza said himself that we weren’t ready for this kind of fight. I’ve gone on the patrol and I’ve done drills but I have learned nothing from them. All I know so far is how bad a soldier I am. I can imagine Juan shooting me on “accident” as soon as I make a mistake. Than again if I make a mistake, I will have the loyalists on me as well as Juan. I can’t even what will happen on the streets of San Ildefonso. How will I be able to do any good for the revolution when I can’t even bring myself to shoot at these loyalist pigs! Of course I shot at them last night, but that’s only because it was dark and I couldn’t even see any of the soldiers. It was easy because I could pull the trigger and fire into darkness. Aside from the screams of the soldiers, it felt easy. This battle was during the day. That means I’ll know exactly what I am doing when I pull the trigger. I’ll know exactly what I am doing if that bullet hits another human.

Day 6

I can’t believe that I am in the army even though I don’t understand my own men. I thought Capitan Mendoza was a good man, but I was shocked today. I found that one time after we took over a city, he robbed a bank just to fund his airplane. He used the money of sick and starving people (like the money and people of my village) to buy his own airplane. Of course, I am told that it is for the good of the revolution, but is it right? How can he just take money from sick, starving, poverty stricken people? Juan told me that in a revolution you need to fight hard and sometimes dirty for the good of the revolution. I heard that Capitan Mendoza sometimes flew to the US. Is he getting even more help for the revolution there? Two days ago, revolutionaries would torture and kill loyalists. And for what? For an insignificant map? Even Lolo seems to think that we need to do things like that to get valuable information. Would the US actually help if we were captured? Would the revolutionists “arrest” people if they don’t have a good reason? I know they would from my village. Soldiers would kidnap people for very small reasons. Are they actually fighting for the good of our country? Am I really on the “good” side, if there is one?

Day 2

Last night I thought about my family. I thought about the time that we went to San Ildefonso for Easter. I thought about the long journey and remembered how Concepcion asked so many questions. I remember the story of Peter’s betrayal and I swore that I would never betray anyone like that. I woke up just before the first light. I saw Capitan Mendoza walking and decided to follower him. I eventually talked to him. I had so many questions but I knew that I couldn’t ask them all. I really wanted to ask one question though. I have wanted a sure answer to this since I got here. I asked the Capitan if we would win this war. I knew that we had 42 wars before this one but there may be another 42 wars before one of us wins. I also wondered if this war would make a difference. If it did, how could it make a difference? He said we must try. To me there is no good side to this war. I am no better or worse off with the revolutionaries than with the loyalists. You fight on both sides and you will probably die on either side. Everyone says that the families of the revolutionaries will be taken care of. I don’t believe that. I remember the people of the village, and all the soldiers did was to take the chickens, melons and corn as I licked my lips wanting to rip my stomach open with hunger. The thing that I hated most though was that they would tell me that make a bad soldier and yet I’m here. If I am such a bad soldier than why am I here? I guess life is not as easy as I wished it could be.

Day 1

What right do these filthy soldiers have? What right do they have kidnapping us and putting us in this prison. The prison of becoming a soldier. To hurt my family like they did today. I can’t see the good side or winning side in this war. One of the boys I’ve is named Esteban and his father was recruited for the loyalists, I can’t even imagine what that feels like. He just tries to not point his gun at people that might be his father’s age. Another boy Juan left school so he could join the war. Why would anyone do that? Give up a great opportunity for a never-ending war. Someone said that there were 42 civil wars before this one, but I think he just made up a number. But I am still calling this war the 43^rd war. All though the day we’ve been learning how to fight, and I still can’t believe that I have to go into an actual war. One person almost killed me because I bumped into him at a drill by accident. I remember his eyes when he was ready to kill me. I’ve received a gun and it feels heavy and alien in my hands and I’ve already have a taste of war. Earlier, a loyalist helicopter shot at us and we scurried to rocks. Our speed was due to the rush of adrenaline. Five men have died since I came here, what a first day!! I swore to myself that I wouldn’t become one of them, a soldier. I will go though the drills but when I can, I will escape. I don’t belong here. I need to escape.